OMG! I need to post this video of wild bears on TikTok!
His knife put a huge hole in my new blouse.
From now on, I pack my own parachutes.
This Clorox tastes like crap.
Just one cigarette while I'm gassing up the car.
These dudes on the corner are really digging my fake gang signs.
It's a rule. Always hide in an attic during a tornado.
Red means stop, Asshole!
That mountain lion is coming at me awful fast.
Wow, I'm photobombing the Secret Service!
This extension cord is totally frayed.
If I run, I can still make it across the street.
Is that a shark fin?
Note to self: don't use gasoline to light a barbeque pit.
Did I pull the pin on that grenade, or not?
This rock by the waterfall is real slippery.
I forgot the safe word!
Is my gun on safety?
No way that snake was poisonous.
Is that a mushroom cloud?
Coming to Theaters Near You:Pay Day
After he hears suppressed laughter from his staff
and sees hidden cameras in his office and the breakroom,
a studio CEO suspects he might be an unwilling star
in a reality show about the entertainment business.
He plays along, pretending to be the perfect boss.
After the show airs, he discovers
he's an unpaid background actor.
Coming to Theaters Near You:Do Or Die!
Malevolent forces threaten the Earth.
Humans resist, but without a centralized leadership,
and with a lost sense of moral purpose,
they fail to defeat the enemy.
The world sinks into self-doubt and what-ifs.
Most critics view the movie as a documentary.
Dustballs
ants
mosquitoes
smelly dogs
wet socks
'Bleep My Dad Says,'
going to the dentist
TV ads
web passwords
Jaws: The Revenge
high humidity
low-speed internet
traffic jams
lost remotes
bird poop
hat hair
stale bread
wilted flowers
dirty fingernails
too much sun
paper cuts
spam
insomnia
spilt milk
out of gas
out of time
Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2
phone died
red lights
movies with unsynced audio
squeaky shoes
USB drives
slow walkers
grocery lines
bad breath
hangnails
food poisoning
bed farts
area codes
pens out of ink
autocorrect
bad drivers
'I am not a robot,'
too cold
coffee too hot
movies-that-are-worse-than-the-book
watery ketchup
stuck zippers
stubbed toes
coffee too cold
broken nail
dirty toilet seats
pennies
lost keys
flat tire
broken shoelace
no toilet paper
pebble in shoe
chapped lips
tight underwear
lost phones
lists like this...
1. They recently had "666" tattooed on their forehead.
2. They have fake passports hidden in the trunk of their car. Some with your photo on them.
3. They carry a pet rattlesnake in their purse or pocket.
4. When you Google them, you get "Cannibal Recipes," "The Do(i)nner Party," and "All Protein is Good Protein."
5. They can trim their toenails with their teeth. This is not always a good skill.
6. At 2 AM, they get up to watch live disaster feeds on The Weather Channel. They watch them until dawn.
7. There is a human-sized metal box in one corner of their living room. It's always locked. Sometimes, heavy breathing comes from inside it.
"On June 26, 2018, three beat cops in N.Y.C. ran across a street musician known as Music.No joke.That was his name.He was an older guy with a beat-up guitar, and he played mostly in the Bowery, or thereabouts.Anyway, on this particular afternoon, the cops were going to arrest him for vagrancy, but after a hard day on the beat, they asked him for a song instead.You know, to lift their spirits.So Music played a medley of oldies for them: 'Under The Bridge' by Red Hot Chili Peppers; 'Man! I Feel Like a Woman!' by Shania Twain; 'Criminal' by Fiona Apple... They listened, and sometimes, when they knew the words, they sang along.One song, 'Ironic' by Alanis Morissette, was so moving, the cops even hugged and cried when it was over.After the impromptu concert was finished, instead of arresting Music, they thanked him and left.
That day, for a few minutes, the cops found their humanity again.If they hadn't, Music would be in jail right now, singing prison songs."